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Van Go/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW (applause) thank you very much. Appreciate it. Bit of excitement at the lodge. Buster hadfield's car has been stolen. Uncle red, the correct term is "repossessed". No, this is an actual theft. Buster reported it to the cops. I bet it's not criminal purposes. Maybe it's kids on a joyride. '79 pacer? I don't think so. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): Today, I'll show you how to burglar-proof your car. Harold's gonna do some wood carving. Way to go, young fella. Dalton tries to get me to say "art", which is a stretch. I'll show you how to work on your lawn-mower. The police issued a bulletin for buster's stolen car. Luckily, anyone driving a pacer will attract some suspicion. No car is safe these days. They developed this anti-theft device you might be interested in. It's called a door lock. (audience laughing) it's on the door! (laughing) locks are a waste of time. You lock your car. You gotta find a hanger to get the keys out. Next time you lock her, you need another hanger 'cause you locked the first one in beside the keys. You gotta buy burglar tools to break in to your car. Somewhere down the road, you lock the tools in the trunk. You see why it doesn't work? You're absolutely right -- my fault. I assumed some intellect and attention to detail. I was way off base, lost my head. (audience laughing) (red): Bill's gonna show us some tricks with his bike. Didn't like that one. What else you got, bill? You're just irritating me. Oh! Oh! Ohhhh! Oh, I like that one. That's a good one. Come on out, bill. Do that one again, would you? (laughing) this is for the big one! Today's prize is a buy-one, get-one-free gift certificate from herbie dougan's house of doorknobs. Mr. Dalton, you have 30 seconds to get my uncle to say this word. (laughing) thirty seconds, and go. An oil painting. Two coats with a primer. Something you buy at an auction. Broken stove. Think fancy auction. A working stove. You're looking at pictures of a horse and angel and nudes. Customized van. Something... Something collectable, something more valuable, something... Oh, oh, oh, hubcaps. You'd hang this on a wall. Stuffed bass? They're nice, they're lovely. You go to a gallery. They hang these on walls and people look at it. They hang up! Moon? They hang them in galleries, with sculptures, paintings! These are... Oh, they're weird, and the abstract stuff-- you're almost out of time. The kinkerman guy, his first name. Billy? No, his brother, the drunk! Oh, they're both juicers. The mechanic, the one that stole! Oh, art. (ringing bell) ♪ when life has given you a taste of rejection ♪ ♪ getting a dog is an excellent suggestion ♪ ♪ he'll be your buddy, your servant, your friend ♪ ♪ he'll be there when you're at the end ♪ ♪ makes you feel better when you're out of dough ♪ ♪ when you've done all you can with the little you know ♪ ♪ 'cause no matter how far down life's ladder you go ♪ ♪ your dog will always be one rung below ♪ (howling) (laughing) with cars getting stolen at the lodge, thought I'd show you how to make your car burglar-proof. You're thinking the best way is to have a car not worth stealing. That doesn't always work. To a burglar, fourth-class riding is better than first-class walking. So you're better off with a multi-stage anti-theft programme. The first stage is the door handle. You want to make that unfriendly. You know what I suggest? Wire 'er up, like I have, to the cigarette lighter. You plug that in and within a couple of minutes, that door handle gets blazing hot. This not only makes the burglar upset, it enables the cops to catch him red-handed. Ok, for the next stage, you want to disable your steering wheel somehow. Get yourself a crutch. You can get one for free at the waiting room at the gout clinic when nobody's watching. Hook this up to the steering wheel. (sizzling) yow! You mount the crutch so it comes down between the driver's legs. When the burglar does a left-hand turn, he'll have to pull over for medical attention. Here's another little feature. I've run my rad hose up inside the car. When I leave the car, I take the cap with me. When the burglar starts 'er up, steam goes all over him -- instant sauna. All right. Now, we got another feature to show you in a minute. Ok, you want to figure out some way to impede the rotation of the tires. I would think about letting the air out, but that's inconvenient, so instead, what you do is take a nut off each wheel on one side, but not just any nuts. Make sure it's the two nuts closest together -- the farthest one back on the front wheel, and the farthest one forward on the back wheel. Here, I'll show you. (cracking) that was my back. All right, there we go. You're gonna need some chain, which you can pork off a tow truck while the guy's in the doughnut shop working on his waistline. See how I've mounted these to the nuts that are closest to each other? When the burglar tries to move the car, the wheels lock up. All right, let's go to stage five -- anchors. See how this works? Jam these anchors into the ground. We've attached one to the back bumper and one to the front bumper. We're ready for the final stage -- noise creation, more or less a specialty for lodge members. You'll need this special wire they use to ring the bell at gas stations. You don't have to buy this. Most stations leave it out all night, so cruise by with wire cutters, let nature take its course. Strip one end of the wires. Connect these to your horn relay. Make sure you connect the right wires to the right terminals. No, no. That's not the horn relay. Here we go. (horn honking) (shouting): Boy, that is loud, isn't it? Great acoustics under there! Anybody say anything? No? Ok! Spread that hose where the burglar will step on it. There's your anti-theft car. Isn't that great? Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I was supposed to pick bernice up an hour ago! Oh! Ohhhh! Oh! There you go. (laughing) (grunting) (horn honking) (coughing) stay tuned for harold's handicrafts. And you thought you were useless. I thought "irony" was how our tapwater tastes. Buster hadfield had me convinced to get an alarm system installed in the van. He knows a guy, gets a good price. I think they might be hot. Hot? Stolen car alarms? (laughing) you want a car alarm that can be stolen? The price was right. Doesn't matter anyway. Before I could get the thing installed, somebody stole the van! They stole the possum van?! Yeah. Why? You know what the effect of a five-bean chili is on you. (audience laughing) we all do. And she certainly does. She warned you at the company picnic that it would be good to stay away from that chili. You had to say, "no, relax, would you? "it won't hurt to try a little." maybe a little would have been ok, but you had to have the three bowls. Now we have a problem. Mmm! If you had any more gas in you, you'd be floating around with a string tied to your toe. (laughing and applause) and she gets to say, "I told you so," or she will, once the trouble starts. Don't take the offensive. Take the defensive. Buy yourself a dog. Stand right next to him. He'll cover for you. (laughing and applause) if things get real bad, bring in a pack of strays for a couple of weeks. Yeah, or a trip to the zoo is good cover. The zoo, the zoo. Recent research has proven that the bigger and uglier the animal, the more you can get away with. This is very good advice. We know what we're talking about. We know the score. Yeah, we know which way the wind's blowing. Attention, handymen. This is a finishing nail. This is a concrete nail. This is a thumbnail. Don't ever confuse them. Welcome to harold green's handicrafts, where crafty hands make handicrafts! (laughing) today I'm gonna be making a decorative decoy. Aahhh! Now, step one, as always, is the first thing you do, so I suggest that you get a piece of wood that's much larger than the actual decoy that you want to make. (grunting) (audience laughing) ok, this is step one. (laughing and applause) (laughing nervously) next week, I'll show you how to make a stronger work bench. In the meantime, let's get carving. To do that, we need a pocket knife. The pocket knife is a, uh... It's a knife, and, uh... I knew where it was because a pocket knife is the instrument of-- well, see, there you are. Hence the term "pocket knife". (laughing) all right, so once you get this open, the blade will determine the stroke that-- the blade would come out and that's when you really get at it, when the blade's out. That's when the whittling begins, I'll tell ya, when the-- that's-- that-- uncle red! (laughing nervously) excellent. (applause) ok, so you have to determine is it sharp? Oh, if trees could cry. All right, now... (audience laughing) you gotta-- (grunting) oh! Always remember, always remember -- this is the important thing. Cut with the grain. (audience laughing) and there you have it -- voila! That wasn't so tough, was it? Ok, now we're gonna paint it. We're gonna make it even more look like a duck. So I'm gonna use this orange here. I'm gonna use orange. And then you continue to paint it in a duck-like fashion. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) there you have it! A beautiful decoy duck, and you made it yourself. That's the best part. Can't you just hear it quack? (red): We sure can! The possum van is still missing. The cops found buster's pacer in the ravine, the inside totally gutted, just torn to shreds. The cops figured it was senseless vandalism but buster said it was like that before. Harold, he should get his dog's toenails clipped. Or get that mutt to stop line-dancing. So no word on the possum van, huh? You're gonna have to go out and get yourself a new one. No, I don't want a new van. I want my old van. I love that van. New vans are great, too. They don't smell like a wet goat. No, harold, my van is a classic. Made vans better back in those days. You know, the old-fashioned workmanship... Craftspeople took pride in their work. 1985 -- the golden age of automobiles, was it? Besides, today, all they got is those minivans. Men are not comfortable if anything's got the word "mini" in it. Well, how about miniskirts? Well, now, to my generation, those are for women, harold. Miniskirt, minivan, minnie mouse... There's not an ounce of testosterone in the bunch. In honour of me losing my van, bill brought over a unicycle. No, that's too hard. What are you doing? Bill seems to store everything he doesn't use in his pants. That's amazing -- how did he do that? He's got something else. My gosh, what is that? Some medical piece of equipment of some kind? What is it? Oh, for gosh sakes! Well, must be some kind of special material. Yes, anyway, it's-- ok, yeah, all right, I get the idea, bill. Bicycle built for two, half the pedalling. The only thing I don't like is -- ow -- bill's got the brakes and steering. All I gotta do-- ok, away we go. The thing-- yeah, that's the horn. What I didn't realize is that if you don't-- bill, we're pedalling backwards. Bill, we got off on the-- oh, oh, oh! By golly, now, at least I-- look out, look out! Ok, fine. I'm thinking I don't have control over anything, especially bill. Then I realize I've got a back-pedal brake. Oh, boy, up she comes! Oh, down she goes! Bill's got the balance from his unicycle days. Look at that. Look at that show-off. That's an odd thing. You pray for a low bridge. There's a rock there, bill! Look out! You all right, bill? Honk if you love fun. (laughing) oh, you're fine. Stay tuned -- harold has good news! Oh, man. Looked at them new vans. Couple of those babies are pretty sharp. They loaned me one to use for a day. Yeah, it really does look sharp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I-I-it's not very big, though. Oh, it's big enough -- seven-passenger. Oh, yeah, but I mean, from the outside, it's not very big. It's almost like, uh... A minivan. If a person saw it, they'd think it's a... Minivan. No. If they saw it, they'd assume you were thinking of purchasing a... Minivan. I distinctly remember you saying that minivans are for women. Is that a minivan? (audience laughing) well, technically, yes, it is technically a minivan. Ohhhhh! But, harold, technically, you're a human being so there's a lot of leeway with technical definitions. All right, get balanced. Keep your head down. Slowly on the back swing. Keep the left arm straight. Stop at the very top, and accelerate as you come through and make contact. Welcome to the experts portion. This week's experts is my uncle red and his good friend mr. Winston rothschild. (applause and cheering) ok, first letter goes as follows: "dear experts... "my son has decided he doesn't want to follow in my footsteps. "I want him to join the family business, "but he has other ideas. "what can I do?" wahhhh! I guess you have to start living with the fact your son has his own life. Well, that's no kind of advice, harold. A man's paying a compliment to his son, inviting him into the family business. This is a show of fatherly love we're looking at. Am I right, winston? Yeah, of all the times I wished my old man had brought me into his family business, instead of getting me to bring him ashtrays and bottle openers and going to answer the front door and telling the cops he wasn't there. I'll tell you something. If my son asked to be in the family business, I'd do anything to get him in there. I'd make fun of everything else he did. I'd cut him out of the will and threaten him and slash his tires if he didn't come into the business. In a friendly way, make him toe the line. Well, I completely disagree. Wahhh! (audience laughing) I mean, if you ask me, I would disagree. I think the son should lead his own life, like mr. Rothschild does. Well, I gotta admit, I got no regrets, eh? Sure, I floundered around there for a while, had my share of failures. At one point, I wanted to be a bank president, then a supreme court judge, and then I just dove into the sewage business and I've been up to my eyebrows ever since. (audience laughing) it was a bit disappointing that the old man never asked me. I'll tell you something. If I had a kid, he'd be more than welcome to join me in my family business. He might not be interested in starting at the bottom. Whatever -- I think the point here is that some sons just, you know, don't measure up to their fathers. Sometimes the son is five times the man his father is. Yeah, yours will be. (laughing and applause) harold? All right, he's not here, but kind of made up my mind that I'm gonna go ahead with this new van. Something about the smell of a new vehicle, there, and boy, the controls are something else. This thing's got more adjustments on the windshield wiper control than the possum van had on the whole dashboard. Even just to have the carpeting all the one colour, you know? It's a crime that the possum van was stolen, but life goes on, so I'll duck out early, get down to the dealership and I think I'm-- uncle red, uncle red! Uncle red, uncle red, uncle red! Uncle red, uncle red, uncle red, uncle red! Uncle red, uncle red, uncle red! What? They found the possum van! Wahhhh! Isn't that great? Yeah, it's good, yeah. It wasn't even stolen, wasn't even stolen. It was buster hadfield. His friend was gonna sell you the car alarm system. Buster borrowed the van and he's gonna have the system put in as a surprise. You love that van. It's back! Yeah, no, yeah, oh, yeah, no. Harold, I'm thinking the safety's not up to snuff. The new vans, they got the driver's-side airbag and the a.B.S. Braking system. The guy who never wears a seatbelt is mr. Safety? It's not just the safety. The new vans have air conditioning and the seek-control button on the radio and coffee-mug holders. We're into a new age of technology. But you love the possum van. Yeah, but it's a piece of crap, basically. You said it's a classic. It's got a v-8 engine, lots of cargo space, still runs pretty well. It's a good, solid van. Would you like to buy it? No. (laughing) (possum squeal) it's meeting time, uncle red. You go ahead, harold. (laughing) think it over. (laughing) if my wife is watching, I'm coming straight home after the meeting. I've been doing a little thinking lately about how you kind of get the short end of the stick. I'm thinking how much easier your life would be if you had a brand-new van. I'm gonna be bringing one home tonight, but I also know how nervous you get when you're driving, so I'm thinking maybe why don't you drive the possum van for a while, and I'll drive the new minivan, just for a little bit... Till it's paid for. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) oh, hurry up! Hey, stand up, stand up! (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Sit down, boys. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. For more information on red green and possum lodge merchandise, call... Or find us on the internet at... Boy, this is too much!